So I’m pretty stoked that this is my last official week of class before final exams! After class ended I hopped on the bus and headed straight for the apartment complex’s computer room to start on my essay… 85% of my lit theory essay is finished! I think almost 1000 words in about twoish hours is a fairly good amount… only 1000 more to go. Sigh. I was planning on finishing up the essay tonight but there’s only so much Freud and Nietzsche that my mind can handle in one day.
As for my other two literature classes, I made some progress… typed my name and created a header. I was supposed to start on my research paper but I think tumblr happened and I never looked back, lol. But on the bright side, after exam reviews, the exams itself, and turning in my essays, I shall be free to update my stories and start on season five of Parks and Recreation! I told myself I wouldn’t watch it until after Fall quarter ends, mainly because I knew I would become obsessed and avoid all responsibilities.
But other than that, Thanksgiving was wonderful. Got to spend my break with my loved ones, and on top of that, I got to eat a home cooked meal and seafood! It’s always a good day for crawfish, squid, and crabs. Went to Black Friday for the first time with the boyfriend though we ended up just browsing stores at four in the morning. However, I did manage to snag a few sweaters and long-sleeves for the cold weather we’ve been having here!
And a new pair of boots, which I absolutely ADORE. I don’t spend money on clothes too often, but I’m a sucker for sales… especially when they’re 50% off! Yeah, I pretty much overspent and was left completely broke. The only thing I CAN regret is the fact that I spent fourteen dollars on an umbrella… I’ve never purchased one in my life so I kind of died when I swiped my card.
But I guess you have to spend a little to get better quality? I don’t know. We’ll see how this umbrella holds up once it rains… wind and all. I will be furious if it fails me.
Sorry for the lack of blog posts, lately… The laptop I was using decided not to allow me internet access so I’ve been using my phone. And I would just like to add that autocorrect has been a HUGE pain in the arse… Also, I hate typing on my phone because I’m lazy and my fingers get tired.
Which is pretty sad, I must admit.
Anyways, I have two weeks left of the quarter after this week… I’m not too thrilled, especially with three papers due next week. You’d think that my professors would assign the due date on the last day of class but nope! Surprise, surprise. We’re given a week to write a research and theory paper…
I will just say right now that my tolerance for humanity and the people in my life have been close to non-existent. I’m stressed and moody and I am just not at all pleasant to be around.
I’m regretting my decision to go back home for thanksgiving the more I think about my papers… I’m SO CLOSE to receiving A’s in my classes that I can’t afford to slack off right now. Even if it means isolating myself and missing out on family gatherings…
AND WTF, PHONE. IS MY AUTO CORRECT SET TO ANOTHER LANGUAGE?! WHY DOES IT KEEP CHANGING INTO STRANGE WORDS?! /rage
We’re capable of feeling a myriad of emotions; most of which, I’m ninety-nine percent positive that I’ve felt at some point in my life… ranging from uncontrollable anger to absolute despair. And for someone like me who has dangled on that cliff not knowing whether or not to jump, it isn’t difficult to know what it is in life that I want when it comes to my relationships with others.
There are numerous amounts of words that can sum up who I am, but the one I feel that I can relate most to is “introvert.” And unless you’re similar to me, it is impossible… absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to understand me the way I understand myself. Or even come arbitrarily close. Growing up was difficult – STILL difficult.
I am the only full-blown introvert in my family, and it’s difficult to explain to them sometimes why it’s hard for me sometimes to do things. I try and try but sometimes I just can’t. And when I’m at my complete breaking point, all I really want and need is that hand to reach out and just understand that we aren’t built the same way. I’ve gone through life with a few selected friends (never by choice) because those are the people who made an attempt to venture behind my walls.
I do not need gifts, money, someone to “fix” or tell me to “just get over it.” What I need is someone to just GET me and know that my needs are important despite how insignificant it may seem. I needed someone to realize that although things bother me in a way that may not seem like a “big deal” to someone else, it doesn’t mean that it didn’t cause me pain.
More than anything, I needed someone that loved me to understand me the most.
And I guess in some aspects, I was expecting too much.
Is there an option where I can just drop out of college and spend my time writing stories all day? I won’t even go into Marxism or even mention Hegel, but just know that I am dissatisfied with the system and just the world in general. But lately I’ve been hit with inspiration to write a chapter or three, but I’ve been confined to reading Charles Dickens and various Japanese literature selections.
Oh the frustration… also, I love love LOVE Lauren Jauregui’s voice. Although I love Fifth Harmony, I’ve always believed that Lauren could have been amazing on her own… but I guess in a way, their voices kind of balance each other out? In any case, I just wish I could see them perform… apparently they’ll be at the Jingle Ball in December but it’s right around finals for me :c Also, I’ve been listening to Ariana Grande’s album on YouTube and can I just say that I love “Honeymoon Avenue”? Ugh.
Always grateful for those few songs that inspire me to write.
Anyways, I’ll be visiting a good friend of mine tomorrow! It’ll be my first time visiting that university and the city, so hopefully it’ll be fun! Happy Veteran’s Day weekend! Enjoy and savor that extra day to do homework.
I guess it’s just one of those nights where I’m feeling overly sentimental for absolutely no reason… earlier, I figured that the reading assignment for one of my English classes was a novel instead of the usual selections in the course reader. Naturally, I went to my pile of books in the corner and began sifting through them… of course, one of the books I came across was a thesaurus that I bought at the Dollar Tree about two years ago.
However, whenever I see that thesaurus, I don’t immediately associate it with the Dollar tree – but rather, it will forever be the thesaurus that I bought the day before my puppy got hit by a car. And despite the fact that I’ve never used or opened it even once since buying it… I can’t seem to convince myself to throw it away. Maybe it’s just me, but that thesaurus is a part of my life – a memento of who I used to be.
Which brings me to the fact that while I love being here and living on my own for the very first time – there are a lot of things that I’ve taken for granted that I truly miss. Namely, being able to talk to my boyfriend and having the chance to snuggle in his arms at night. Like I’ve said once before, he really is my sole source of motivation… having him in my life makes me want to do more than I’m capable of.
When we were living together, I’d come home sometimes from work and see him napping on our bed – completely knocked out. And I used to take it for granted because it was such a routinely thing, but I’d change and lay next to him – wrapping my arms and legs around him and I’d kiss him on his cheek. And now when I come home, what greets me is the silence of the apartment and an empty bed.
Sometimes I wish that I could have gone to a university closer to home… but I know for a fact that I wouldn’t have been happy with that decision in the long-run. The only thing keeping me going right now is the thought that the sleepless nights and stress will be well-worth it in the future. However, I’m struggling with the fact that I may not be prepared for what lies ahead, but I’ll do everything I can to succeed because really, all I want for us is our own place, a great job that will allow us the opportunities that wasn’t available while growing up, and perhaps even a pet or two.
The thoughts of the future really do shape our present… but I suppose that’s a good thing. Work your butt off for a couple of years and reap the benefits later. And although those benefits aren’t guaranteed, it doesn’t hurt to try.
So try I will.
The good news is that I have started writing again!
Definitely not NaNoWriMo-worthy material… 1,000+ words a day seems near impossible for me at the moment. However, I finished ONE page of my original story and that’s something to be proud of. And that’s pretty much the only good news that I have because my life is just burning to the ground before my very eyes.
It’s difficult to remain optimistic when you’re constantly stressed about things that shouldn’t even be causing you stress… if that makes sense. But I will definitely be dedicating this weekend to schoolwork and figuring out my schedule for the winter quarter – my registration begins next Friday! My Japanese midterm really kicked my butt and gave me a huge wake-up call as to where I am academically.
Also, college right now is just plain depressing – it really is. And if that wasn’t enough to worry about… sighsighsigh. Thank you to those few who take the time out to read my daily ramblings (and most of the time – complaints).
I’ve focused too much on the negativity in my life right now that it’s slowly defining who I am. I’ve become a sort of Grinch, though everything and everyone around me seems like fair game to ruin. BUT I am breathing and absolutely healthy, so that’s something to be grateful and happy about! Not to mention, we’re about halfway done with the quarter and it is STILL possible to get an ‘A.’
Note to Self: “Just keep swimming.”