Sew My Name.

I know I’ve been vague about my thoughts and feelings regarding family matter, but I wrote a post around September of last year about my grandpa, who I love and will always love no matter what. But last year, my grandpa was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer… even now, I still don’t know what type of cancer it was – just that he had a tumor in his brain, kidneys, and lungs. And it’s unbelievable, how someone can go through their whole life as a healthy man and then develop cancer of all things.

But on March 27th, my grandpa passed away. Am I glad that I was there to see him take his last breath? Very much so. I had the opportunity to kiss him one last time and hold his hand even though he couldn’t see or talk anymore. But I’m just so… angry. He was only 62! In a year, I would have graduated from university, my sister would be graduating in two months… I wanted him to live to see his great grandchildren, to see me get married, to just enjoy the rest of his life beside my grandma and the family he built from nothing after he escaped Vietnam.

This man, my grandpa, was the most generous and kindest man I have ever known throughout my entire life. He loved me, never once treated me any differently because I was a girl, and supported me no matter what I decided to do. I could walk into a room and he would make me feel so loved with the way he engulfed me in a tight, warm hug and how he would kiss me on my cheeks. He loved every single one of his grandchildren and it wasn’t until he fell sick that he made sure to tell me he loved me every single time he saw me.

And I think what makes this all so heartbreaking is that he had wanted to keep on living… he had hope that he would get better, even when he was suffering and some days it was painful to get up and move. But he pushed on and even though he was hurting, he always showed us his good side and tried to remain in a happy mood whenever his grandchildren were around.

I just… miss him. More than anything. And although I made sure to visit him every chance I got, I just wish I could have told him that I loved him just as he did for me. But I know that if anything, he knew how loved he was. I’ve been trying not to think about his death and everything he had left that he wanted to do, mainly because it leaves me heartbroken.

But I hope that wherever he is now, he’s enjoying himself. I miss and love you, Ong Ngoai.

 

Happy Finals!

I realize that I’ve been MIA lately, but I promise that I’ve been busy with the quarter coming to an end. Yes, this means that today is the first official day of finals! Of course, my first exam won’t be until Thursday, but it’s always better to get started early than cram later. RIGHT? Right.

Now, if only I could somehow motivate myself…

But as for updates:

  1. 99% sure my TA for my Chaucer class hates me… is it a coincidence that I’m the ONLY person she never responds to when students shoot her an email? I think not.
  2. Also, I am most likely going to get a poor grade for my participation. “You just have to talk ONCE, and it can be anything – anything at all. It’s that easy.” But it’s NOT. I spent most of the quarter trying to wrack up the nerve to raise my hand, and look where it has gotten me. Ugh.
  3. Even though I have missed four consecutive days of the Mighty March workout, I’ve decided to catch up on my days and to take the whole “clean eating” thing seriously. I AM SEEING AND FEELING RESULTS.
  4. Fast food no longer appeals to me… I have hit a milestone.
  5. Eating an egg white and cheese sandwich on English muffin bread as we speak.
  6. I’ll be going home after my last final on Saturday!
  7. Also, the place I applied to called me back a few days ago! The manager asked me to call them back whenever I return from spring break : ) YAY MONEY!

For those who have finals, good luck! And to those who are just finishing up midterms, hope you did well or will do well! I still haven’t used my “YOLO” meal for the week, so I might just make a trip to Starbucks and buy a lightly blended frappucino. My next Tuesday post will be less “update” and more thought-provoking, I promise!

Have a lovely week, all!

Two more weeks until Hell.

Quick updates:

  • Bombed my second midterm for biology… maybe I should have studied
  • Currently frustrated because I CANNOT get an A on any of my writing assignments for my Children’s Lit course
  • I do them last minute so perhaps I shouldn’t complain
  • One more week (after this one) until finals
  • Hating myself right now because I literally have one more week left of class and I’m barely starting to care about my grades
  • Pretty sure I will end up with B’s this quarter
  • Keeping up with my Pop Pilates! Mighty March workout routine has been intense… my legs are in constant pain
  • Eating healthier nowadays! Cooking more often at home and resisting the urge to buy snacks/food at school
  • Uncle and his family from Ohio are visiting! Which means I’m heading home this weekend
  • I’ve been trying to write for DAYS and every single time I open up Google docs, I literally just stare at my screen
  • Craving pizza like crazy after seeing Ellen bring them to the Oscars
  • Leonardo DiCaprio deserves an Oscar… WHY WON’T THEY GIVE IT TO HIM, DAMN IT!
  • Three final papers due next week and I’m going to die….figuratively, anyway
  • I’m PLANNING to start an early draft for all three but we’ll see how that goes
  • I really want A’s

I just realized that it’s Wednesday, not Tuesday (LATE POST).

I know that grades essentially do not define who you are (as I’ve said multiple times), but it’s always exciting to score 90+ on my exams. Whether or not I can say the same for biology, however, is a different story… despite what the university thinks, that class will never be an introductory biology course to me.

But as of late, I’ve been happy with where my life is headed! I used to be so hesitant to tell people that I was unsure about graduate school and that I plan to write a novel, but nowadays, I feel almost refreshed and excited just thinking about life after graduation. I know it’s not going to be ideal, but it’s like summer, endless amount of time with no responsibilities. Unless you have a job.

Free days means more time to create, inspire, and enjoy.

I’ve also created a Pinterest account, and I absolutely LOVE it so far. I’ll link it to my WordPress if anyone is remotely interested. But nonetheless, I want to try out new hobbies like I used to, but this time, I want to take up cooking, paper crafts, and sewing (maybe). The last time I tried to sew was in seventh grade, and the purse I attempted to make was horrendous… probably because I had no idea what I was doing. RIP to the lovely fabric that I butchered.

I would just like to announce that after this week, I have TWO official weeks left of class and then hello to finals! And then a week of spring break! Yes, that’s probably the only thing keeping me motivated to push forward at this point. Thankfully by biology final will be the last one of the week, so ample time to study for that.

Hope you all are having a wonderful week!

Brief.

So I caught a cold around last Tuesday… it always starts with an itch in my throat. But this past weekend was fun despite my sickness, even though I did not update last Friday or this past Tuesday… nor will I update this upcoming Friday, either. After I got sick, I skipped out on a few classes, choosing to sleep in and curl up on my bed where I used up most of my supply of toilet paper. It was definitely memorable.

But because of that, I ended up falling behind and now I am reaping the consequences. This is probably the second time that I’ve gotten sick so close to finals… but there’s just three more weeks of classes left! Until then, I can’t promise to update every week but I will try. And yes, I am still sick and I am typing this from my room when I should be at school… and in lab.

I was in an awful mood this morning, though, and it only seemed to lighten considerably when I went to Trader Joe’s to buy groceries. But that pretty much sums of everything? My pop pilates routine has come to a stop since I’ve gotten sick, not sure if I want to continue once I’m better or just keep pushing forward. We will see.

Hopefully everyone is staying warm and healthy! The weather here feels like home.

Future.

Lately, I’ve been a little afraid for my future.

Having anxiety is difficult to live with in itself, but having it spiral out of control when bombarded with unexpected events is definitely worse… which is one of the main reasons why preparation for ANY kind of predicament is necessary – always. And to be honest, I feel like originally I clung to this idealized future of being an optometrist due to my parents’ influence. They made sure to voice their disapproval whenever I even mentioned a future as a writer.

“Sacrifice the first couple of years of your life and then after you make money, you can enjoy whatever it is you want to do.”

Sounds practical, doesn’t? Until you realize that taking classes that you absolutely abhor slowly kills you on the inside, and it just makes you wish that you could quit school altogether – damn the consequences. I understand where they’re coming from, so I don’t blame them for projecting their hopes onto us. And yes, it would be nice to make six-figures a year and not EVER have to worry about looking at price tags when you go shopping… but money, I’ve learned, isn’t everything.

It’s cliche, I know. But true.

So yes, I’m unsure about my future because I’ve decided to pursue my love for English Literature and writing. Do I know what I plan to do after I graduate in a year? No, but we’ll see what happens when the time comes. I’m unprepared, afraid, and I get anxiety whenever I even think about what comes next… but the most important thing is that I’m happy.

And that, in itself, makes a world of difference.